I keep a close watch on this heart of mine

Oh fuck you, Grey's Anatomy

2009-10-12T00:13:00.002-04:00

This show always makes me cry. I relate way too much to the lead character and I both love and hate it. In the latest episode, Meredith is conflicted about what to do in the following situation:

Her drunk alcoholic abandonder of a father is sick and needs a liver transplant. Meredith's sister is not a match, but Meredith is. He was really good to her sister and her sister BEGS her to help. Meredith doesn't know what to do. I haven't reached the end of the episode yet and frankly cannot handle watching it anymore.

I've thought about this in passing but right now I am tense and upset because I am intently thinking about this. What would I do if my sister, brother or step mother called me and said "Pete is sick and we need to see if you're a match for X body part", and I ended up being a match. What would I do? He has a family right now and just because he treated me like shit doesn't mean I should take him away from his other family, right? But why do I care about this dude? And I barely have a relationship with bro, sis, step mother. Mostly because of him, partly because of my need to cut him out of my life. I think I would do the "right" thing and help, but I don't know. That would give him a reason to then contact me and be in my life, which I can't have.

Also, what if he died for whatever reason. Would I go to his funeral? I have no idea. I do not have respects to pay to him. I would love to support the aforementioned family members but do they want/need my support? Do I really want to explain to my brother and sister, who are much younger than me, why I am have not, am not, will not be around? Do I want to have that conversation with them while they are mourning a person much different than the person I know? I hate thinking about these things because I'll never know how I would react unless it actually happens. I hope these things do not happen, but this dumb show keeps bringing up things I don't even need to think about.

Meredith Grey, stop being a prettier, smarter version of me. Twat.

I can honestly say

2009-09-10T22:10:00.002-04:00

This is the worst birthday I've ever had.

It's hard to care about a birthday past 30, in a city I am no longer in love with.

Maybe tonight will be better.

I want to go back

2009-07-02T15:07:00.003-04:00

How do I go back to being emotionally dead inside? I thought it was healthier to feel things, but now I can't get control of my emotions. My first minor heart break in I don't even know how long and I can't move past it. The rational part of me knows it was for the best, but the rest of me cries constantly, has overwhelming feelings of self-doubt, and is in a full on depression right now. I hate the way I feel right now because I know it isn't warranted, but its like someone poked a hole in a dam. One little thing has sent years of suppressed feelings rushing out at such a rapid pace that I'm completely overwhelmed. I don't know what to do about it either.

Next time

2009-05-26T01:17:00.001-04:00

You hear me volunteer to captain a roller derby team

Tase me. HARD. In the face.

Thanks.

Addicted to this song

2009-05-08T05:43:00.001-04:00

Maybe I lied

2009-04-30T03:21:00.002-04:00

Things aren't that great. Overall, things are good, but they could very well be a lot better. I have completely lost my motivation for everything. I am so stressed out about not having a job that its created non stop stomach aches. I missed classes tonight because I feel so sick. I'm not sure what's going on but I need to see a doctor soon. I think it may be an ulcer but I don't know the symptoms of ulcers and I am NOT asking the internet cuz when I do I am convinced I have cancer. I need to get off my ass and do a lot of things.

The list:

Exercise
Study more and get A's and not B's in my classes
Not be afraid to hang out with friends. I can just leave money at home and enjoy company.
Go back to seeing a shrink
Clean my car inside and out

So really, things are not that bad. I know what I have to do to get my shit together. I just lack the motivation to do it. First order of business? Canceling cable. What a life sucker that has turned out to be.

Hello Pals

2009-04-20T16:23:00.002-04:00

Things are great. I am finding a good balance between fun and work and its working out well so far. I just had a bunch of visitors in April, but that's all over and its back to the grind. Derby is AMAZING. I love my team and I can't wait to have more time for skating this summer!! I also can't wait to go home for almost 2 weeks in August. It'll be humid as shit and I may die but itll be worth it.

I started drinking again, but in serious moderation. I like beer again, and I bet I'll drink a lot of it this summer cuz that's what summer is for. It was nice to take a booze break for a while but that's all over now. I drink caffeine VERY rarely. Only when there's a Dunkin Donuts or a delicious chai nearby. I'll try to not OD on D&D when I go home but that's not gonna happen.

I got a gig working as a PA with a media company. It was just one day of work but they loved me and said they would DEFINITELY call me again. PSYCHED. Its hard work and long hours but its fun and I'll absolutely say yes next time they call me.

So I thought I'd check in with whoever still reads this. Things are good. Hope they continue to be for a while.

dude

2009-03-19T19:00:00.001-04:00

i havent been this stressed out in a long time.

things are so awkward right now

2009-03-17T03:14:00.005-04:00

The good and bad are balancing out and life is just 'ok'

I cannot find a job to save my life. I am barely getting by, but at least I am getting by.

My brakes are starting to go on my car, I need an oil change and some new tires but I CANNOT afford to take care of this right now. I don't need to drive much but I have visitors coming and a LOT of driving to do so I am actually scared of what's going to happen.

I love roller derby more than ever but probably can't afford to do it anymore.

My brokeness is making depression seep in again. I feel guilty leaving my house if its not for school, so I don't leave my house ever and I don't get any sunshine or exercise.

I have health insurance thanks to my family but can't afford to use it. I can't afford co-pays of prescriptions or the gas to go to appointments.

I lost enough weight that my work clothes no longer fit, but can't afford to get new ones. I need a job but have nothing to wear to interviews or to work.

Life is so weird right now. I keep trying to tell myself it could be worse, and I know it could. I stay up all night just WORRYING. Its so unhealthy.

I honestly don't see an end to this global economic crisis any time soon. In a few years it will be better. We all have to learn how to live differently but that will never happen. Scares the bejesus out of me.

Hello, Blogger.com

2009-03-05T15:22:00.002-05:00

School is going so much better this semester. Studying something I love is so motivating. I haven't skipped any classes yet (I almost did one day but I was just an hour late instead) and last semester I skipped one a week haha.

Not drinking is not working anymore. I got really drunk on Saturday and rambled nonsense at people. I drank one drink the weekend before that, and I got really wasted one night after a meeting. Its nowhere near where it used to be, but this past weekend was a bad one. Back on the wagon I go. I have booze in the house but I don't ever drink it. I have a hard time saying no to free booze when I'm out in public I guess.

I cannot find a job to save my life. Its really frustrating and stupid. I hope something works out soon, but its hard times right now. Luckily I have dead relative money to fall back on. I guess if you can't have the people in your life its nice to have things? I don't believe that but its helping right now so I'll be thankful instead of bummed out about it.

I have visitors coming in April. I hope I have enough money to entertain them while they're here. My best friend is bringing a friend I've only met once so I'm a little bummed about that, but I have classes while she's here so its good she'll have someone to hang out with while I'm learning.

I've been thinking about a lot lately. Mostly how I seem to be able to close the door on things that have plagued me for a very long time. I am friends with someone who I never thought I'd be able to think about without my heart breaking. I never thought I'd be in this place with him, and its a huge relief that we can be friendly. I am coming to peace with a lot of things that have gone on in my life. I'm not shutting out the thoughts when they come, I'm working through them and moving on. Its a nice change.

Friends-How Many Of Us Have Them?

2009-02-21T03:01:00.002-05:00

Not drinking has shown me more than ever who my real friends are and aren't. It doesn't make me sad for me, it makes me sad for them.

Update

2009-01-22T21:24:00.001-05:00

I live in LA
I drink once a month if that.
I don't like beer.
I don't like getting drunk.
I like hiking.
I like bike riding.
I like walking.
I like skating.
I like roller derby.
I don't eat meat except fish.
I still don't drink caffeine.
I have no drama in my life.
School starts soon.
I live alone.
I am trying so hard to not get a job its hilarious.
I am good.

Update

2008-12-09T01:50:00.002-05:00

I don't think therapy is working. She lets me ramble on about what's going on in the present and I don't need help with that. I need to deal with the shit in the past because its far more intense and far more damaging than anything going on now. I need to talk to her about this at my appointment Wednesday. In the mean time I bought this:

I know it seems ridiculous but I seriously went to the bookstore looking for a workbook to deal with my issues. I don't know why I thought I needed it, but apparently I work well writing things out and having homework. I've done one chapter and I really like it. I think I will show my shrink on Wednesday but I'm not sure if she'll be offended by it.

Other than that, things are ok. I'm a bit lonely because all my friends who don't drink, or can do other things but drink, or aren't annoying drunks are up in LA and I don't go up there a lot. Massachusetts folk...its like driving to Boston from Worcester. I do it a lot more than other people but sometimes I just don't want to. Today I was gonna go skate Venice but couldn't fathom the drive. I can't wait to be closer. I can't wait for school to start. I just wish I wasn't so afraid to spend money cuz I'd drive up the coast since I have plenty of time

Oh...and I listen to my ex boyfriend's radio show just to hear his voice. It's comforting.

I've Changed

2008-11-30T15:22:00.004-05:00

NP: Otis Redding-A Change Is Gonna Come

I'm not a drunk mess anymore. I barely drink, I don't eat red meat, I kicked caffeine and I hate going to bars. I'd rather go somewhere new, go for a walk/hike, play on the beach/desert/mountains, relax in my house or at a good friend's. This means when I am at a restaurant I don't want it to be treated like a bar. Last night we celebrated a friend's dinner and there was a lot of drunken screaming before dinner was even served. We sat at the table and it was absolute hell. Everyone was wasted and being obnoxious save for a small few of us. I just wanted a nice meal with some friends but it felt more like a frat party. I wonder if the old me would have been in the thick of it, just as drunk and obnoxious. I'd like to think I knew the art of 'time and place' but who knows. I know last night I was simply NOT feeling it. I am really over making a spectacle of myself and being around others who aren't over it yet. (I left in the nick of time last night. Shortly after I left everyone got kicked out because one of our group felt the need to put her ass in a cake)

I know people are used to the wild party animal that could be the loudest/drunkest in the room but that is by far not me anymore. I know how people will react to this. Its the same way I used to react when I perceived people as acting "above it" or "too cool". Its interesting to see the people who have fallen out of my life because of this change. I'm sure I'll lose a lot of "friends" but I don't think I care. I'll concern myself with the ones who stick around who don't cheer when someone sits in a cake at a restaurant.

Things I Have Successfully Eliminated

2008-11-17T23:36:00.003-05:00

-Cigarettes
-Alcohol
-Red Meat
-Soul sucking office job
-Drama

Things I will change soon:
-Address
-School and curriculum
-Living situation in general

Things that are improving:
-Mental health
-Roller derby
-Thought process

Things I still need:
Lots. Working on it. A little at a time.

Wow

2008-11-11T23:53:00.002-05:00

Today I saw my therapist again. We had a brief discussion about my health insurance, and the diagnosis she gave them. Luckily the diagnosis she gave basically means I don't pay anything for visits but WOW what a freakin diagnosis. I don't remember the exact terminology, but I think she said Major Depressive Disorder. She said I am in 'remission' and don't have many signs of it now, but I did as recently as July. She laid out what it means and while I agree, it still shocked me. I thought I'd come farther than drastic diagnosis. I'd like to take what she says with a grain of salt, but I don't think it will help me much. I read a few psych sites to find out more about it and most of it fits:

http://www.depression-help-resource.com/types-of-depression.htm
http://www.allaboutdepression.com/dia_03.html
http://www.psychologyinfo.com/depression/depression_types.html

They make it sound so scary on the internet. Now we are doing what it takes to make sure the depression doesn't come back. I'm learning how to deal with my emotions which I haven't really done in my life ever. I think its good that I'm not drinking like I used to because I'd be cheating therapy. Its weird when she asks me how I feel when certain things happen and I say: "I don't know". Its weird to say out loud that I'm very out of touch with my emotions. Its getting better, and she is definitely helping. I felt a hurricane of emotions when I reflected on the session. I sort of feel like I got punched in the heart today, I won't lie.

I also just ran out of things to say. Blogfail

Finally settling

2008-10-27T22:05:00.004-04:00

I've been making great strides toward improving my life in a lot of ways lately. I'm doing better and better things every day and I'm really happy. Today I took a huge nagging weight off my shoulders with regards to school. I've been desperately trying to get in with an advisor since I started and have never been able to because they fill their appointments SO FAST. I finally made one for next week and will be able to settle in on a major. I know I'm starting over, I just can't decide what I should take. Next week I will have a LOT of questions answered and I am so so relieved. Having someone to talk to about it that can tell me the steps I need to go in is going to be such a huge relief. I'm taking my assessment tests next week as well so I can re-take all the Gen Ed courses I lost credit for since Salter was not accredited when I went there. Road blocks are just getting the fuck out of my way.

I had one of the best weekends I've had in a long time and I am feeling really good about life right now. Its an awesome feeling. There's still a really long way to go but I'm loving the direction I'm going in.

Alcohol Makes Me Love Long Beach

2008-10-22T01:48:00.003-04:00

I haven't drank in 2 weeks. This is a much more significant statement than I originally intended it to be. After what feels like a life time of aggressive boozing I decided it needed to come to a screeching halt. I've thought of this for a long time but never did it because I always had some event coming up that OMG WOULD BE SO MUCH BETTER WITH BOOZE. After the league camping trip and going directly to a bar to get drunk while watching baseball, my body said knock it off and I finally listened to it. I gave myself a month of sobriety, and its been so much harder than I thought. The amount of time I spend thinking about booze is ridiculous. Trying to watch baseball sober is really hard, and October is the hardest baseball month of them all. I've made it 2 weeks and its felt like a fucking lifetime. This makes me never want to pick up a bottle of anything but water again. That's unrealistic but I find so many interesting things to do that don't involve alcohol.

This leads me to my next point. Long Beach is fun if you're drunk a lot. I find myself leaving LB pretty frequently to partake in sober activities. Its taken my love for this city down a notch. My friends here, most notably Matt, do not seem to remember/care that I choose to not drink. I've thought casually about moving up to LA because I am SO SICK OF DRIVING and I might as well live in the major city that's right down the street at some point in my life. I think its going to be a reality in June. My roommates and I decided to all part ways in June because we all want to live alone. I was planning on staying in Long Beach but plans have changed. I'm going to start applying to schools up in LA and see what pans out. After I figure out where I'm going in the fall, I will start looking for an LA address. It needs to be done because living somewhere based on how many fun bars are within walking distance from your house is assenine. I need to live where adventure and pals are, not vomit and cigarette butts.

A revelation

2008-10-15T23:19:00.003-04:00

So I've been seeing a therapist for about a month. Its been pretty great and I think its going to do wonders for my fucked up little head. Tonight I made my first revelation and a HUGE weight has been taken off my shoulders. I've spent a lot of time an energy trying to fix other people's problems. I befriend people who have much deeper and more severe issues than me and try to help them through it. I look at them and think: "Oh I'm fine. They're the nutty ones." The problem is that I'm not fixing my own issues, and these people latch on to me and end up suffocating me and I lash out in really unhealthy ways. Its not their fault because that's how I've presented myself to them. I never realized it until now, but it makes a ton of sense now that I've looked back on my failed friendships and relationships. I need to put a stop to that shit. I have to stop using other people as my measuring stick for what's ok to think and feel and start looking at myself. Everyone is fucked up but I'm going to spend my life being leaned on if I don't start looking in. Its not selfish, its necessary.

Jeez. Why haven't I thought of this before?

hi pals

2008-09-25T17:40:00.003-04:00

sigh. im really confused about life lately.
i dont know what to do with school. i am trying to decide if i should stick to the major im in or switch to english.

if i stick with what i am in now, i will gradute a lot earlier than if i switch. im pretty good at the whole business thing. i find it interesting but im scared that im setting myself up to keep doing what i was doing before. i dont want to work in an office, and that seems to be where im headed. granted its international business so i could potentially work overseas, but its still an office regardless of the address.

i wanted to switch to english because it comes naturally to me, im good at it and it affords me the opportunity to learn something i really love. i could teach english abroad and not be chained to a desk all day long. this would negate a lot of the classes ive already taken and id be in school even longer.

i dont know what to do. im inclined to earn the degree ive been working towards, then maybe take english courses afterwards. im trying to meet with an advisor about this but can't seem to get an appointment with one to save my life. my next step i guess would be to talk to a school im interested in transferring to? dudes...i dunno wtf to do. i had it figured out, then i didnt, then i did, then i didnt, then i did and now i dont once again.

am i supposed to be this confused? why cant i figure this out.
i need an adult.

im annoyed

2008-09-24T01:52:00.001-04:00

and failing at stuff. ugh.

My Life

2008-09-09T01:40:00.002-04:00

Feels like its a mess right now. Its all in my head, but I need to fix it. I'm facing things I haven't wanted to in a long time. 2008 has been my most uncomfortable year yet. I've been disappointed by so many people, myself included. I need to get my head together in a big way. I'm taking steps to make it happen, I'm just tired of feeling this way. Not sad, just lost. I thought for a long time today about what would make me happy. The answer I came up with really sucked. I don't know.

Lame.

Confused

2008-08-29T14:38:00.004-04:00

I'm glad I'm back in school. I'm kind of going off on my own path here and its good and bad all at once. I intended originally to get right into the International Business program, but I haven't really done that yet. I've signed up for a lot of random classes just to see where my interests fall. I can tell you right now that they aren't falling anywhere within the classes I'm taking. That's not to say I don't enjoy the classes, because I do, I'm just questioning the direction I'm going in.

I'm not taking any English classes this semester. This is very weird for me because I love English classes and I'm good at them (despite what my writing in this blog may advertise). English courses are fun and challenging for me. I've thought a lot about majoring in English but have never really pursued it because I'm not sure you can do anything with an English degree but teach. Teaching does not appeal to me at all, whatsoever. Or so I thought.

My Italian class is doing everything in its power to boost my desire to move to Europe. I know it sounds silly to want to move somewhere I've never been, but its the only way I'll see the world. I've never left North America in my life and that is just insane. I have insatiable wanderlust, to the point that its made me stir crazy on more than one occasion. I've come to the conclusion that the only way I'll really do this is if I somehow end up working overseas. That was my big motivation to major in International Business. I'm realizing now that maybe that's not the right thing to do. All I'm doing is setting myself up to sit in an office in a different country. That sounds truly horrendous to me. During my Italian class I find myself gazing at the "TEACH ENGLISH ABROAD" posters they have up. And you know what, that sounds awesome to me. Its a job, but not in an office, and I'm doing something that comes naturally to me anyway. I've always helped people out in my English classes. I have a knack for explaining the ridiculous grammar rules in a way that makes sense to people. So why wouldn't I do that for a living? Its starting to make more and more sense to me. Major in something I love instead of something I think I need to do and use that as a springboard to do something I've always wanted to do: live in another country and be exposed to a whole new culture.

So maybe when I finally speak to my advisor I can change courses for next semester. Continue taking Italian so I really learn another language, but focus on working towards a degree in English.

Writing this, it makes me wonder why I didn't think of this a long time ago. If there's anything I've learned over the past 6 months its that plans don't always really work the way you intend or want them to. Sometimes, they work out for the better, even if its super annoying and inconvenient at the time. So if I change majors, will these courses be a waste of my time? I don't think so because I wouldn't be thinking about any of this without them. And I know I can use what I'm learning now in the future.

I Can't Believe

2008-08-27T01:15:00.001-04:00

I lost this.

The worst part is that I have NO IDEA how long its been gone. I've been too stressed out and pre occupied to remember when it fell out of my bag.

I'm trying so hard not to beat myself up about it but its not working.
I fail as a person.

The Problem With LA.

2008-08-20T01:32:00.005-04:00

Being surrounded by so many people who are afraid to show who they really are makes me not want to be who I am sometimes. It's embarrassing for everyone, especially me. I second guess myself more often than I ever have before. It's both good and bad. I'm reaching healthy conclusions but want the time back that I spent on relationships that have turned out to be nothing. Learning experiences do absolutely nothing for me anymore. I've learned enough hard lessons...I just want to live now.

There's a lot of good I'm trying to focus on but its hard when you're surrounded by so much fake. I need a dose of real soon. Too bad I lagged on the plane ticket and won't be going east like I planned. This too shall pass but in a way I don't want it to. I don't want to lose my intolerance for stupid bull shit but I might not have a choice.

I Used To

2008-08-18T01:10:00.002-04:00

I think about all the stuff I used to do...and be relatively good at. Here's the long list:

I used to:
Play soccer
Play volleyball
Run track
Play basketball
Play tennis
Sing in a choir
Act in plays & musicals
Write
Draw
Play instruments
Dance

I do none of that now. I stopped in high school when I went somewhere that only offered sports. Creative outlets were taken away and I've never recovered from it. I miss all of it. I turned to drugs and alcohol and I can't seem to find a hobby that doesn't focus on those things. I really miss being able to sing. I used to have a voice and I'm not sure what happened to it. I miss acting, I miss dancing and I miss being in shape. I don't really know where to start to get some of this back, but I'm done with roller derby so maybe one of these things will fill that void.

I start school tomorrow. Not where I wanted to go but maybe next semester I can make it happen. I'm taking an art course more for my sanity than anything.

I'm really stressed out and it needs to stop soon. I need to get off the couch and make shit happen. I've had a few things happen lately that have really upset me and I need to deal with all of it and move on with my life.

I need to change some things and hold on tight to others.
Wish me luck.

Also Putting This Out There

2008-08-07T02:16:00.003-04:00

I WILL BE A FULL TIME STUDENT AT CSUDH FOR FALL 2008
I WILL BE A FULL TIME STUDENT AT CSUDH FOR FALL 2008
I WILL BE A FULL TIME STUDENT AT CSUDH FOR FALL 2008
I WILL BE A FULL TIME STUDENT AT CSUDH FOR FALL 2008
I WILL BE A FULL TIME STUDENT AT CSUDH FOR FALL 2008
I WILL BE A FULL TIME STUDENT AT CSUDH FOR FALL 2008
I WILL BE A FULL TIME STUDENT AT CSUDH FOR FALL 2008
I WILL BE A FULL TIME STUDENT AT CSUDH FOR FALL 2008
I WILL BE A FULL TIME STUDENT AT CSUDH FOR FALL 2008

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

I WILL BE A FULL TIME STUDENT AT CSUDH FOR FALL 2008
I WILL BE A FULL TIME STUDENT AT CSUDH FOR FALL 2008
I WILL BE A FULL TIME STUDENT AT CSUDH FOR FALL 2008
I WILL BE A FULL TIME STUDENT AT CSUDH FOR FALL 2008
I WILL BE A FULL TIME STUDENT AT CSUDH FOR FALL 2008
I WILL BE A FULL TIME STUDENT AT CSUDH FOR FALL 2008
I WILL BE A FULL TIME STUDENT AT CSUDH FOR FALL 2008

LIKE NOW.
IM FUCKING TIRED OF THIS SHIT
PLZ HALP

Just Putting It Out There

2008-08-06T21:46:00.000-04:00

I WILL go to NY for my 30th
I WILL go to NY for my 30th
I WILL go to NY for my 30th
I WILL go to NY for my 30th
I WILL go to NY for my 30th
I WILL go to NY for my 30th
I WILL go to NY for my 30th
I WILL go to NY for my 30th
I WILL go to NY for my 30th

I booked the hotel room...now to afford it...and oh yeah the flight

I WILL go to NY for my 30th
I WILL go to NY for my 30th
I WILL go to NY for my 30th
I WILL go to NY for my 30th
I WILL go to NY for my 30th
I WILL go to NY for my 30th
I WILL go to NY for my 30th
I WILL go to NY for my 30th
I WILL go to NY for my 30th
I WILL go to NY for my 30th
I WILL go to NY for my 30th
I WILL go to NY for my 30th
I WILL go to NY for my 30th

The Waiting Game

2008-08-04T20:12:00.000-04:00

I'm tired of it.
It's sucking the life out of me.
It just needs to come to a fucking end so I can move on with my life already!!!

The Truth Is

2008-07-30T03:52:00.003-04:00

I've been taking a long hard look at myself for the past couple of months. Instead of fighting the feelings of depression/sadness/anger, whatever, I'm letting myself feel everything. I've stopped stifling self doubt. Every horrible feeling I usually cast aside because "feelings are stupid and emotions are gay and who has time to deal with shit when theres so much booze to be drinking" is in the forefront and its making me lose my mind.

I'm dealing with so many things its a bit ridiculous. I know I can't do it without help. I know I need to talk to someone and I keep avoiding it because I'm terrified they'll put me on drugs again. If I invest time and energy into healing myself and down the road the doctor says 'pills' I will flip out and never attempt therapy again.

That last paragraph explains perfectly why I need help. But listen, I recognize it. I want to fix it. I want to change. This is all so awkward and scary and horrible right now but its a necessary evil. When I get through it I'll be better off than I ever thought I could be. But right now, sanity is gone and people are just going to have to deal with my absence for a while.

Going Insane

2008-07-29T21:07:00.003-04:00

So I'm going back to school in August...I think. I've been playing the waiting game and doing everything I can to speed up this process, but everything is basically out of my hands. I know its all going to work out in the end, I just can't deal with my life being so out of my control. Its a really uncomfortable, frustrating feeling.

I'm glad I'm leaving this job, though. Sitting in front of a computer for 8+ hours a day is really taking a toll on my sanity. I feel so much happier and refreshed when I'm not sitting here, but I don't have a choice in the matter for 2 more weeks. You'd think the fact that I am almost done with this job would bring me a sense of relief, but I seriously feel like I'm dying a slow death over here. Its pretty awful and I need it to be done NOW.

There's a lot of bad shit going on in my head right now. I've befriended the wrong people out here and I am dealing with a lot of regret. If I wasn't so down in the dumps about everything else, I probably wouldn't even have noticed, so this crapfest is for the best in the long run.

I have SO MUCH to think about right now. I'm stressed out, overwhelmed and depressed and unsure how to handle it. I need time to myself badly.

ive been wanting to share this for a while

2008-04-05T18:39:00.001-04:00

its my grandmothers eulogy. i have been listening to the mix i made for her memorial service all day and figured today would be a good day to share. not looking for comments, just wanted to share.

I’ve been mentally preparing myself for this moment for a long time. Secretly I knew nothing inside of me was really ever going to be ready for this. Writing this, it still doesn’t seem real. At this point standing here I’m not convinced this is really happening, either. To some of you, she was Shirley. A friend, a peer, an incredibly intelligent woman with a lot to say and a never-ending desire to learn more. A travel companion who would never be satisfied until she saw the entire world. A business associate, novice bridge player, lifetime knitter. The list of accomplishments is almost mind boggling, especially when you take into consideration how much she had to fight to get to where she was. To all of you she was so many things. A mother, a sister, a friend, a Nana.

To me, she was my hero. She started saving my life before I was even born and never stopped. She’ll never stop being my inspiration. She taught me strength and tenacity when it seemed like the world wanted to do nothing else but knock us around. Every time I fell, she picked me up. When we lost my mother, her daughter, she stepped in. She didn’t have to raise another baby. She didn’t have to fight my battles with me. She didn’t have to do anything. She did it because she wanted to and had the attitude “no one can do it better than me” when it came to most things in her life. And you know something; looking back I think she was right. No one could do Christmas like her. An atheist throwing consistently memorable Christmas parties with a Jewish husband is truly something to marvel at if you ask me. Every year was a different theme depending on where she traveled to that year. Who else would have a piñata, or an Italian buffet, or karaoke, or a smorgasbord on Christmas Eve? Only Nana. She did EVERYTHING her way, whether you liked it or not. And that’s what I loved and hated the most about her. Someone with such strong convictions could only be my hero or my worst enemy. She could be both in the same day, but I always knew she had my best intentions at heart. Some call it tough love; I call it the only love that made any sense to me. She didn’t teach me the useless things in life. Make-up, fancy clothes, boys, seemed like frilly extras in comparison to the other things. She taught me to appreciate art and culture. She showed me almost every corner of this country and told me about the rest of the world from first hand experience. She gave me an appreciation for music by supporting every musical whim I had, whether it was cello, saxophone, guitar or singing. I want to state for the record that my love of singing definitely did NOT come from her. Have you ever heard her sing? I’m surprised I ever had the balls to open my mouth to sing for fear that I might sound remotely like her. But then again, no I’m not. That’s another lesson she taught me. If I want to do something, do it. The worst I can be is terrible at it. But if I loved it, who cares? Most importantly she taught me that no matter what happens in life, I’ll be ok. No matter how many punches we take, we’ll be ok. Its impossible to look back on her life without feeling a tremendous sense of pride and admiration. She went through hell and never stopped fighting. She will never stop being my hero. She taught me so much and influenced my life in ways I could never properly explain to anyone. She was tough as nails and impossible to death with at times, but she was also hilarious and brilliant and strong and everything a woman should be.

I find tremendous peace in the way she died. She was surrounded by family and slipped away without pain. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for her. The pain to stop. If there is a heaven I know she’s there raising hell and straightening a few things out. I loved her and I’ll miss her but her work here was done. Now its up to us to make her proud.

Ignore the other blog

2006-06-13T22:29:00.000-04:00

It makes no sense. What's really wrong is how much I miss my friends.

I've moved a thousand times and this is the hardest one of them all. I went from having a million people at my immediate disposale, and here I really only have one friend. I have a few people I know, or knew a long time ago, but Zack is really the one I consider a good friend. I can't possibly spend all my time with one person. I'd drive him crazy and I'd drive myself crazy. I just need a bigger core of people around me.

Everything will be ok once I start working and I get some cash flow. It's hard to not really be able to go out and explore because I'm too broke. Totally my fault, it just sucks nonetheless. I just have to be patient. I just wish my friends were here to enjoy this place with me.

Stupid decisions

2006-06-13T17:50:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I make really fucking stupid decisions. I'm not talking about moving here. I think that was the right decision. I feel an overwhelming sense of lonliness that will definitely pass. I'm not worried about that. I'm worried about stupid things that I do without thinking them all the way through. It's been a long time since I've felt such an overwhelming sense of regret about something. I'm not going to elaborate, but its definitely something that needs to be worked out in my head. Why would I do things if I know they're unhealthy?

Things are going in a very positive direction for me and I am trying very hard to focus on that. I am in a huge period of transition right now and there are parts of me that I am becoming more aware of, more comfortable with. Its just weird how uncomfortable change can be. Its weird the way you react to certain things. I really wish I could elaborate, but I'm not going to. I realize this is a very confusing thing for most people to read, but I understand and its my blog so I guess what I'm saying is I don't care who understands it and who doesn't.

I just know that I need to keep things in check so I don't feel like this again. The problem is I don't think I'll ever figure out what motivates me to act like a stupid girl except for the fact that I was born a girl and we are inherently stupid. This isn't a matter of emotions. Not the kind you might be thinking of. This is just a matter of really not thinking clearly. Something I need to do because of the direction my life is heading.

Good lord. Cryptic as hell. This will be so mis interpereted. I was probably better off not typing a damn thing to begin with.

Weird Dream

2006-02-11T10:46:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning feeling very unsettled and strange. It hasn't gone away yet.

I had a dream last night that I had a kid. He was a cool little fucker and I was doing great as a single mom. It was one of those dreams that seemed really real and in my dream I was very happy. I woke up this morning realizing it wasn't true, and was instantly sad. This is crazy to me. I don't want a kid. Why the hell was I said? It instantly made me think about a choice I made a few years ago and I was filled with regret all over again. I was just talking to a friend about this a few weeks ago and I really thought I was OK. I guess I'll never really be over it, and there will always be some lingering regret that will sneak up on me out of nowhere.

Not a great way to start my day.

Operation: No More Fatties

2006-01-18T08:56:00.000-05:00

I have been on a pretty serious mission to lose some weight. I have decided being fat is dumb, and cheesecake is not really all that delicious. Amanda and I have been going back to the gym, I've been eating well, and Podunk and I have been taking extended walks. I'm still at a point where I'm not really sure what I'm doing is right, but I'm learning. On Saturday Amy and I are going to Weight Watchers which she has so eloquently dubbed "Fat people school". I've heard Weight Watchers is one of the few diet plans that works. Amy has already lost 14 pounds in 2 weeks. I really, really, really want to lose weight. I am the irritated owner of 15 chins and I am furious about it. My face is fat, and so is my stomach, and I've had it. The hardest thing so far is working at Barnes & Noble's cafe twice a week. Their carrot cake is super delicious, and the stuffed pretzels are incredible. But fuck them. Carrots are pretty good, too. Anyone reading this with any thoughts or advice, please leave them below. Thanks for your time

-Fat America.

Homophobia is a motherfucker (literally?)

2006-01-11T09:11:00.000-05:00

At Barnes & Noble, there is this girl I hate. She is annoying, stupid, bossy, and basically sucks at life. Last night I found out she is also a bible thumping homophobic. She actually had the nerve to say to my boss, a lesbian, that my boss is a sinner and going to hell with the rest of the liars and robbers.

ARE YOU KIDDING???????? I was pretty mad when I found this out. Honestly, who the fuck do you think you are, you stupid cunt? And like I told my boss, she really could have given the gays a better sin to compare it to. Like coveting thy neighbor's wife, obviously.

So I've decided that a call to arms is necessary. I should like all of my female friends to come with me to Barnes & Noble when she's working, and I'm not, so we can hold hands and generally canoodle and make this bitch vomerate. Yes, I am five years old, but it's a great plan and you know it.

What say you?

State of emergency

2006-01-08T12:10:00.000-05:00

Not really, just seemed like a good title.

So I was talking to Dave last night about how I want to move to New York, and he let me know that he most likely is not renewing the lease come June 1st. So I better figure out what the hell I'm doing. No, I'm not staying in Worcester. I really need to live in a bigger city, plain and simple. My options as far as I can tell, are New York, Chicago, and possibly Long Beach. I'm throwing Long Beach in there because I'm visiting in February, and there is always the chance that I will love it. Do I really wanna move that far away? I'm not sure. Phoenix has been kicked right out the equation. From what I hear, it's pretty boring there. As much as I love the southwest, it's pretty damn far away, and I'm not sure they're ready for me

New York is ideally where I want to go, but that thought is pretty damn intimidating. I'm not sure I'm ready to live somewhere that I could pretty much never leave. As much as I love New York, I love travelling. I'm also not sure I wanna spend all my damn money on rent. It would be pretty easy to move there initially because I could sell my car and have plenty of money in the bank. There are a lot of positives and negatives. I have to figure out if the positives outweight the negatives or not.

Chicago is damn affordable. I can get a HUGE apartment in Logan Square for under $700 a month. Laundry in the building, pet friendly. My only hesitation with that is I fucking hate winter. That's the only one. I'd have to deal with winter in NY, too. I really wish I could pick Chicago up and move it somewhere warm. Wait the other problem, is it isn't New York.

Long Beach. Man I might love it there. I might not. I'm just keeping it as an option. I have no opinion either way.

So, time to save even more. Possibly work more hours. The point is, I'll be the hell outta Worcester by June 1st.

Quick Christmas update

2005-12-25T10:10:00.000-05:00

I still hate this holiday, but it's not going as badly as I thought.
I got to my aunt Maureen's pretty late last night, because I had to work at Barnes and Noble. So I get there and everyone is just finishing up eating. I go to grab some leftovers, ask what kind of meat it is, and my aunt Maureen looks at me all sad and says: "Pork" She felt really bad. I don't eat pork for any other reason that it is completely disgusting. She knew I was going to be late, so took this opportunity to make something I would not eat. Totally fine, but it is of note because at least she acknowledged it.
So we go to do the presents. This year we decided to do a grab, because presents are stupid and annoying. My aunt Denise hands me the present she got for me, and I open it and almost started laughing. It's the same present I got last year from her. Coupons to get my car washed. I cannot think of a more impersonal gift. Well, except for the 20 dollar bill I used to get. Whatever, presents are stupid and that just proved my point. The thing that really got me, was when I opened a gift from a friend of the family and everything was chocolate. Everyone I know, knows I am allergic to chocolate. This friend of the family does not, and at this point I'm not telling him. But him buying me chocolate, is not really the issue. The issue is my aunt Denise said to me, "You're allergic to chocolate?" Um yes and I have been for 27 years. I just looked at her, dumbfounded. This bothered me A LOT. So I just started drinking and making fun of everyone. This was a great plan because they were all laughing at not realizing I was being serious.
Everyone left and I stayed behind to talk to my aunt Maureen, and she started going off on a tirade about Denise and that side of the family. I guess a few things were said before I got there and my she was pretty mad about it. Whatever, at this point I do not care.
I went to Ralph's and met up with friends. I actually got presents from a bunch of people, and they were all perfect. I wasn't expecting this at all. I tell people every year not to expect a gift from me, but they buy anyway. I guess it makes them happy and they don't seem to care that they get nothing in return from me.

So the moral of this story is that the family you choose will always save the day, and the family you were given need to be smacked around. Excellent moral.

Honestly...

2005-12-11T04:01:00.000-05:00

I still get scared when I see his name
I flash back to images of lying on the floor
A boot covering his fist, his fist coming at me like a freight train
And I just laid there with his friends knees on my shoulders
Unable to fight, unwilling to try
I wonder how I survived it through the haze of pills, powder and alcohol

The day I paid him back and bloodied his ass was the highlight of my life at that point and to this day.

Answer these questions

2005-12-09T17:30:00.000-05:00

If you could have any middle name, what would you choose?

If you had a really smart monkey that could learn any trick, what trick would you teach him?

If I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the morning, the evening, all over this land. What would you do if you had a hammer?

When you make that 4am run to White Hen (or Circle K or 7-11), what do you normally bu

Have you ever eaten or have you ever actually seen anyone eat a convenience store pickle wrapped in plastic? If so, please elaborate.

If you were named President of the World tomorrow, wt would be your first edict? (Must start with "Hear ye, hear ye...")

Which do you feel is a more effective way of shunning/scolding someone: shaking your fist or wagging your finger in their direction?

If you could be any deli meat, what would you be? (Vegetarians, please change meat to cheese; Vegans, please change meat to soy product.)

Are you zemmiphobic?

If I gave you $20, would you cut your hair with a flowbee?

Do you know who Rick Mercer is?

Well, you should.

If you were to have Gordon Shumway over for dinner, what would you make?

In the war between Smurfs and Snorks, who wins and how?

If you could be any rockstar from 1983-1987 who would it be? And what video would you be most excited to make?

Who would you rather be trapped on a desert island with: RATT or Robby Roadsteamer?

Who should have lost an arm in the 80s instead of that one guy from Def Leppard?

Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?

Who leaves a country packed with ponies to come to a non-pony country?

Seriously... what is the deal with airplane food?

Do you know what your problem is?

You do realize that mad cow disease and Asian bird flu are totally made up diseases by hippies on copious amounts of acid, right?

"When I touched the Great One's mustache, he cured me. Surely he is blessed above all men,"... Who is the "Great One"?

If you were challenged to a beard growing contest with Chuck Norris, what style beard would you grow?

If you were destined to fight the great Chuck Norris, what art would you attempt to engage the master in?
WHY is Chuck Norris so awesome?

If Chuck Norris, Mr. T, and Vin Diesel accompanied each other in singing the Song that Never Ends, what would happen?

LIGHTNING ROUND

Fartman VS Bat Boy?

Muppets VS Fraggles?

Mullets VS handlebar moustaches?

Pleather VS polyester?

This VS that?

Shenanigans VS tom foolery?

Pam Anderson VS Pamela Lee?

Cheese fries VS corn fritters (note: both are equally white trash)?

DUCK vs FROG?

I need to know better

2005-12-06T12:25:00.000-05:00

Most people will say I don't talk enough. I don't reveal enough about myself. If you ask me, I say way too much. I need to learn how to be more vague in my answers. I have to stop just blurting things out at people. It doesn't do them, or me any good. It freaks them out, and makes me think about things I'd really rather not think about. I'm having a hard enough time staying in a good mood lately, given how tired I am. Thinking about things that upset me is not really helping.

I am a dink

2005-12-05T12:16:00.000-05:00

Someday I will laugh about this, but it's still not funny to me. You guys can all laugh, though.

So last night I get out of job #2 around 9:30. I come home and decide to do some laundry before bed, which is extremely ambitious of me given how tired I was. My room is really tiny, so sorting laundry turns into mass chaos. I throw things everywhere, and Podunk usually hides under the bed from me while I'm tearing shit up. Last night was no different. She hid from me under the bed and I went downstairs and started my laundry shenanigans. I came upstairs, turned the heated matress pad on and laid down to watch some crap on TV. An hour goes by, and Podunk is still under the bed and I am trying to psyche myself up to go downstairs and put the clothes in the dryer. I have an internal battle with myself for a good 15 minutes, and finally decide I have to put my stuff in the dryer cuz if I leave it in there overnight, all hell will break loose.

So I go open the door, and who do I see in the hallway furious? PODUNK!!!!!!!!!!!!! She had run downstairs after me, but I didn't hear her because I took her collar off to scratch her neck when I got home. So the poor little muffin face was in the friggin hallway, cursing my name however a dog might do that for over an hour.

She ran inside and did laps around the house and was totally ignoring me. She kept her furry little back to me because she had no time for my bullshit.

I felt seriously bad and will not be taking her collar off while I am working this job because I am too tired to pay attention to life.

:(

Choose your own adventure

2005-11-30T11:36:00.000-05:00

I've had a few requests for certain topics, some hefty, some not.

I have no idea who checks this regularly, but if you'd like to know more about a certain part of me, let me know what it is, and I will do my best to write about it in here. I'm not sure what people do and do not want to hear. Obviously, I will write whatever the fuck I want, but I'm also a blogger.com crowd pleaser, so holla at me in the comment section...

Review of my part time job...

2005-11-25T20:09:00.000-05:00

It's not bad. I'm running around like a jackass the entire time, but the time goes by quickly and it's really easy. I am picking up 4 days a week, which might kill be but it's fine.

So Brooke and I are going to NY tomorrow, and after that, I have no idea when I will be going out again. I was planning on going to the sock hop on the 3rd, but I work until 12:30 and I DOUBT I will wanna go out after that.

I had a point to this when I came to blogger.com tonight, but I forgot what it was. Oops.

I am a friggin moran

2005-11-21T21:28:00.000-05:00

That's right I said moran.

Why am I rushing to get this bill paid so quickly? Yeah, I owe Becker $3000. Yeah in January I have to start paying my loans from Salter. But jesus I didn't need to stress myself out about it. My issue was that I can't enroll in any classes anywhere until I pay Becker. I wanted to get my loans from Salter deferred, but can't do that unless I am enrolled in school. You see the vicious cycle starting, right?

Well I have to be enrolled in school within 6 months to defer payments. So I had to pay Becker within 6 months. You see where I'm going with this.

Well 6 months from now is the middle of a semester. It's not possible for me to pay all that shit. And I don't want to enroll in school for January. I have no choice but to wait until August, so why stress myself out? I think I can get the Becker bill paid off by August. In fact, I know I can. I can also handle making my monthly payments to Sallie Mae of around $130. I'll pay as much as possible to Becker each month, shooting for around $300 a month. Some months I will try to pay more, some months I won't be able to, like when I go to California. But the point is, I CAN get this done in time to enroll for Fall 2006. And then once I'm enrolled somewhere, fuck yeah I will defer my payments to Sallie Mae.

And then, I will take over the world.
Why did I not realize this before?

So the second job is still necessary, the not going out as much is still necessary, but at least I don't have to freak out, or feel guilty about the good times I have upcoming.
Someone please smack me around...

New job

2005-11-21T20:12:00.000-05:00

I start my new job Tuesday night at 6. I don't think any of you will ever see me again, but I'll get my bills paid, and that's all that matters. I need to try to set a time frame for this. I have no clue how I'm gonna pay this bill by the time it needs to be paid. I need to pay it in six months. $3000 in six months shouldn't be that hard, but it is. $500 a month is a lot of money. I don't really have any other choice but to make it work.

I probably shouldn't have bought that plane ticket to California. I probably shouldn't be going to New York this weekend. So somehow I need to make this fucking payment plan work and try to do the things I want to do. I also have the normal bills to pay, which goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway. So I'm a little stressed, but I think if I sit down and figure it out and not go out as much as I was, I can pay the tuition bill and still take my two vacations.

Off I go to figure this out...ughfest.

An update

2005-11-20T22:38:00.000-05:00

Today driving home from the movies, I saw people with Christmas lights up in their houses and proceeded to roll my eyes/throw up in my mouth a little. I make it no secret that I absolutely fucking hate holidays. Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter should all be done away with. This is a fairly recent development, with the level of disdain for said holidays increasing every year.

I'm not convinced that my reasons for hating holidays are valid, so let's work them out together, shall we?

Thanksgiving:
I go to my aunt's house every year, and every year I listen to my grandmother say horrible things about me to the rest of my family while I sit there and take it. No one asks me anything about myself. I really do not feel like I am a part of this family whatsoever. Which brings me to...

Christmas:
Growing up, I lived with my grandmother and step-grandfather. We hosted Christmas parties every year. They were always incredible. There was always some kind of theme depending on where they had traveled to that year. The food was always something new and delicious, and I can't remember a time I was sad. Until my step grandfather died and everything changed. Understandably, my grandmother didn't want to continue our grandiose holiday traditions and we all understood. I think this is when the emphasis changed from quality time, to presents. This is also when I started to feel like the black sheep of the family.

It sounds incredibly bratty of me to say this, but I really wish we could do away with the whole gift giving aspect of Christmas. I've always felt out of place in this family as the only person without a mother alive, or a father around. No one has really been able to figure out what their relationship with me should be, and vice versa. Never is this more clear than on Christmas Eve. I watch my family all exchange gifts that no one wants or needs. I get the obligatory one from everyone, and that's it. There's no Christmas morning excitement for me. It's deciding where to go and who to burden with my presence. Every year I tell anyone who may ask that I don't want presents. Every year I end up giving a small list of things I would buy for myself if it wasn't December. Every year, I get nothing on the list of stupid crap I didn't need in the first place. I am left with the following feelings every fucking Christmas:

1) No one in my family knows me. It's probably my fault, but holy crap if presents weren't involed, I wouldn't feel this way.

2) I will always be the black sheep. Everyone has parents except me. It's a really weird feeling. No one has ever put themselves in a position to be a parent to me. My grandmother always made it clear I was a grandchild.

3) I will never be able to accomplish anything in my life that will impress anyone in my family. When I graduated from Salter, no one gave a shit. I got a congratulations from my aunt maureen, and that's it. That shit was incredibly stressful and hard for me, and I fucking did it. No one ever talks to me about what I've accomplished. Everyone else gets a gold star except for me.

I realize I sound like a grade a fucking brat, but I don't care. I told my aunt I am boycotting holidays this year. I am spending Thanksgiving with Brooke making hand turkeys and not following my diet. Christmas Eve I was going to skip out on family, but my aunt took my no presents idea to the rest of the family, and we are going to do a grab. We all only have to buy for one person so no one feels like a turd at the end of the night. We'll see how this goes. I am still not spending Christmas morning with anyone, and my Christmas night will be spent drinking at Tina and Louie's house.

/end bratty tirade.

Nana

2005-11-18T01:40:00.000-05:00

I need to write about it but I can't without tears welling up in my eyes. I should probably talk about it but I don't want people to know that I'm having a hard time dealing with this. I know I need to release every thought inside of me but once they leave me I'm terrified of where they'll end up. People don't interperet things correctly and I can never be bothered to explain. Everything ends up in a mess so it's better that I just let nature take its course. I can't change anything. I can't stop what the final outcome will be. I just have to come to grips with the fact that the person who saved my life on more than ten occasions is not the same person anymore. And pretty soon she won't even be that. She'll be gone and I'll be left with memories. The question is, what will I remember? Will I focus on the good things, or the things to this day I don't understand? Will I remember anything?

If there's one thing I'm good at, it's supressing memories. I block out the traumas behind this tough girl wall I've built. I don't allow myself to feel, therefore I don't allow myself to hurt. I don't remember most of high school, partly because of the drugs, and partly because I don't want to remember. So what's going to happen when my grandmother finally dies? Am I going to remember all the places she took me when I was younger to open my eyes to different people and different cultures? Probably not. I have a hard time remembering that stuff now. Will I remember being shipped off to boarding school and not being allowed to come home? Chances are I'll hold on to that because the rest of my family doesn't let me forget anything negative that's ever gone on in my life.

The fact of the matter is, I'm really, really going to miss my grandmother when she goes. The truth is, I already miss her. She raised me since the young age of 3. She's not always been my favorite person, but she's always been the person I could count on. She's the toughest fucking woman I know. She's been through hell and back and I can't even imagine how she finds it in herself to smile. She was left by her mother when she was a young girl who lived in the hospital. Her alcoholic father beat the shit out of her and her sisters until the day they could finally move out. She's mourned 6 children, my mother included. She's battled disease and lost two loves of her life. And yet she found it in herself to take care of me when no one else in my family could. She's an amazing woman who has more strength in her then most men half her age. The sad reality is I'm not sure who she is anymore. Alzheimers has gotten the best of her and I almost lost it the other day when she didn't even recognize who I am. "You're my granddaughter, right?" *knife to the motherfucking heart.* And I noticed a little growth on her lip. I didn't know what it was, but I didn't want to ask. I didn't want to upset her. And I'm glad I didn't ask because when I found out what it was, I couldn't imagine hearing the news from her.

My aunt called me last week when I was on my way to work. It started out great. My uncle's cancer appears to be gone. Time to celebrate, right? Wrong. The growth on my grandmother's lip is skin cancer. And to top it all off, they think her breast cancer CAME BACK. They removed and entire breast and she hasn't even had to think about it in almost as long as I have been alive. But it's back. I'm writing about this and I'm shaking. Partly, I am fucking angry that she has to go through all of this again. Partly, I am really fucking sad over it. I don't want her to be in pain. She's had enough. It's not fair. She doesn't even think she can handle this. Come to find out, she's already talking about dying. She's giving up. So the toughest lady I know has finally had enough. I can't say I blame her. This is all too much for me to think about. I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do. I know I need to be with her and spend time with her, but it's hard. I need to grow a pair and realize that it's ten times harder for her. Maybe it's my turn to be the one to lean on. I just need to suck it up.

Or maybe what I need to do is stop jumping twenty steps ahead of myself. Instead of dreading the day she dies, appreciate and love her while she's here. The problem is, I don't know if I'm capable of doing that. We'll see.