Oh fuck you, Grey's Anatomy

This show always makes me cry. I relate way too much to the lead character and I both love and hate it. In the latest episode, Meredith is conflicted about what to do in the following situation:

Her drunk alcoholic abandonder of a father is sick and needs a liver transplant. Meredith's sister is not a match, but Meredith is. He was really good to her sister and her sister BEGS her to help. Meredith doesn't know what to do. I haven't reached the end of the episode yet and frankly cannot handle watching it anymore.

I've thought about this in passing but right now I am tense and upset because I am intently thinking about this. What would I do if my sister, brother or step mother called me and said "Pete is sick and we need to see if you're a match for X body part", and I ended up being a match. What would I do? He has a family right now and just because he treated me like shit doesn't mean I should take him away from his other family, right? But why do I care about this dude? And I barely have a relationship with bro, sis, step mother. Mostly because of him, partly because of my need to cut him out of my life. I think I would do the "right" thing and help, but I don't know. That would give him a reason to then contact me and be in my life, which I can't have.

Also, what if he died for whatever reason. Would I go to his funeral? I have no idea. I do not have respects to pay to him. I would love to support the aforementioned family members but do they want/need my support? Do I really want to explain to my brother and sister, who are much younger than me, why I am have not, am not, will not be around? Do I want to have that conversation with them while they are mourning a person much different than the person I know? I hate thinking about these things because I'll never know how I would react unless it actually happens. I hope these things do not happen, but this dumb show keeps bringing up things I don't even need to think about.

Meredith Grey, stop being a prettier, smarter version of me. Twat.

I can honestly say

This is the worst birthday I've ever had.

It's hard to care about a birthday past 30, in a city I am no longer in love with.

Maybe tonight will be better.

I want to go back

How do I go back to being emotionally dead inside? I thought it was healthier to feel things, but now I can't get control of my emotions. My first minor heart break in I don't even know how long and I can't move past it. The rational part of me knows it was for the best, but the rest of me cries constantly, has overwhelming feelings of self-doubt, and is in a full on depression right now. I hate the way I feel right now because I know it isn't warranted, but its like someone poked a hole in a dam. One little thing has sent years of suppressed feelings rushing out at such a rapid pace that I'm completely overwhelmed. I don't know what to do about it either.

Next time

You hear me volunteer to captain a roller derby team

Tase me. HARD. In the face.

Thanks.

Addicted to this song

Maybe I lied

Things aren't that great. Overall, things are good, but they could very well be a lot better. I have completely lost my motivation for everything. I am so stressed out about not having a job that its created non stop stomach aches. I missed classes tonight because I feel so sick. I'm not sure what's going on but I need to see a doctor soon. I think it may be an ulcer but I don't know the symptoms of ulcers and I am NOT asking the internet cuz when I do I am convinced I have cancer. I need to get off my ass and do a lot of things.

The list:

Exercise
Study more and get A's and not B's in my classes
Not be afraid to hang out with friends. I can just leave money at home and enjoy company.
Go back to seeing a shrink
Clean my car inside and out

So really, things are not that bad. I know what I have to do to get my shit together. I just lack the motivation to do it. First order of business? Canceling cable. What a life sucker that has turned out to be.

Hello Pals

Things are great. I am finding a good balance between fun and work and its working out well so far. I just had a bunch of visitors in April, but that's all over and its back to the grind. Derby is AMAZING. I love my team and I can't wait to have more time for skating this summer!! I also can't wait to go home for almost 2 weeks in August. It'll be humid as shit and I may die but itll be worth it.

I started drinking again, but in serious moderation. I like beer again, and I bet I'll drink a lot of it this summer cuz that's what summer is for. It was nice to take a booze break for a while but that's all over now. I drink caffeine VERY rarely. Only when there's a Dunkin Donuts or a delicious chai nearby. I'll try to not OD on D&D when I go home but that's not gonna happen.

I got a gig working as a PA with a media company. It was just one day of work but they loved me and said they would DEFINITELY call me again. PSYCHED. Its hard work and long hours but its fun and I'll absolutely say yes next time they call me.

So I thought I'd check in with whoever still reads this. Things are good. Hope they continue to be for a while.