An update

Today driving home from the movies, I saw people with Christmas lights up in their houses and proceeded to roll my eyes/throw up in my mouth a little. I make it no secret that I absolutely fucking hate holidays. Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter should all be done away with. This is a fairly recent development, with the level of disdain for said holidays increasing every year.

I'm not convinced that my reasons for hating holidays are valid, so let's work them out together, shall we?

Thanksgiving:
I go to my aunt's house every year, and every year I listen to my grandmother say horrible things about me to the rest of my family while I sit there and take it. No one asks me anything about myself. I really do not feel like I am a part of this family whatsoever. Which brings me to...

Christmas:
Growing up, I lived with my grandmother and step-grandfather. We hosted Christmas parties every year. They were always incredible. There was always some kind of theme depending on where they had traveled to that year. The food was always something new and delicious, and I can't remember a time I was sad. Until my step grandfather died and everything changed. Understandably, my grandmother didn't want to continue our grandiose holiday traditions and we all understood. I think this is when the emphasis changed from quality time, to presents. This is also when I started to feel like the black sheep of the family.

It sounds incredibly bratty of me to say this, but I really wish we could do away with the whole gift giving aspect of Christmas. I've always felt out of place in this family as the only person without a mother alive, or a father around. No one has really been able to figure out what their relationship with me should be, and vice versa. Never is this more clear than on Christmas Eve. I watch my family all exchange gifts that no one wants or needs. I get the obligatory one from everyone, and that's it. There's no Christmas morning excitement for me. It's deciding where to go and who to burden with my presence. Every year I tell anyone who may ask that I don't want presents. Every year I end up giving a small list of things I would buy for myself if it wasn't December. Every year, I get nothing on the list of stupid crap I didn't need in the first place. I am left with the following feelings every fucking Christmas:

1) No one in my family knows me. It's probably my fault, but holy crap if presents weren't involed, I wouldn't feel this way.

2) I will always be the black sheep. Everyone has parents except me. It's a really weird feeling. No one has ever put themselves in a position to be a parent to me. My grandmother always made it clear I was a grandchild.

3) I will never be able to accomplish anything in my life that will impress anyone in my family. When I graduated from Salter, no one gave a shit. I got a congratulations from my aunt maureen, and that's it. That shit was incredibly stressful and hard for me, and I fucking did it. No one ever talks to me about what I've accomplished. Everyone else gets a gold star except for me.

I realize I sound like a grade a fucking brat, but I don't care. I told my aunt I am boycotting holidays this year. I am spending Thanksgiving with Brooke making hand turkeys and not following my diet. Christmas Eve I was going to skip out on family, but my aunt took my no presents idea to the rest of the family, and we are going to do a grab. We all only have to buy for one person so no one feels like a turd at the end of the night. We'll see how this goes. I am still not spending Christmas morning with anyone, and my Christmas night will be spent drinking at Tina and Louie's house.

/end bratty tirade.