The Truth Is

I've been taking a long hard look at myself for the past couple of months. Instead of fighting the feelings of depression/sadness/anger, whatever, I'm letting myself feel everything. I've stopped stifling self doubt. Every horrible feeling I usually cast aside because "feelings are stupid and emotions are gay and who has time to deal with shit when theres so much booze to be drinking" is in the forefront and its making me lose my mind.

I'm dealing with so many things its a bit ridiculous. I know I can't do it without help. I know I need to talk to someone and I keep avoiding it because I'm terrified they'll put me on drugs again. If I invest time and energy into healing myself and down the road the doctor says 'pills' I will flip out and never attempt therapy again.

That last paragraph explains perfectly why I need help. But listen, I recognize it. I want to fix it. I want to change. This is all so awkward and scary and horrible right now but its a necessary evil. When I get through it I'll be better off than I ever thought I could be. But right now, sanity is gone and people are just going to have to deal with my absence for a while.